A Brief Tutorial on How Conspiracy Theory Works

I am sometimes reminded of how my rants have been taken seriously by some people who do not seem to grasp the joke. Let me explain by example how Conspiracy Theory works. I began researching it as a new form of literary theory: the idea that any given text can be read in a way that may reveal a hidden plot, perhaps never (openly) intended or envisioned by the author, but nonetheless which carries credibility implied by said text. Examples include Thomas Pynchon’s The Crying of Lot 49; the Tom Stoppard play (and film) Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, which finds a conspiratorial sub-plot in Shakespeare’s Hamlet; and the novel White Noise by Don DeLillo, which won the National Book Award for Fiction and perfectly embodies literary conspiracy theory as it should be seen.

These days, most people hear the word “conspiracy” and they equate it with “bullshit” or fairy tales, as though such a thing could never exist, and if you have the word in your lexicon, you also wear a tinfoil hat. This popular attitude is the epitome of ignorance. Conspiracies are very real, and they have shaped our reality.

“As soon as God crapped out the third caveman, a conspiracy was hatched against one of them!” — Col.Hunter Gathers, Venture Bros.

Aside from that, my point has always been that conspiracies are fun to discover (or create) simply by applying some imagination to find something in nothing, seeing a message in “white noise” – this is known as Information Theory. Google it. It does not necessarily mean there really IS a message, composed by an outside intelligence, but rather, it is often a reflection of the psyche of the individual or the society (See: Guy Debord, Society of the Spectacle).

I have seen this concept lost on many people who, rather than examining evidence with an open mind, actually get irate or even downright hostile when asked to consider something they apparently cannot. I actually had someone who was a friend for most of my life attack me on Facebook for posting a link to an article on the RT (Russian Times) website claiming that the FBI was targeting 9-11 conspiracy theorists as potential terrorists. Some colleagues of mine and I found the article to be funny, and so I posted it. Sadly, this life-long friend took the time to write a long message to me about how such thinking was “dangerous” and that he couldn’t be friends with someone who could hurt his wittle brain. That is someone who is not getting the joke.

Let me give you an example of social conspiracy theory — an original, composed by myself with the inspiration of some colleagues I was chatting with tonight.

Again, I offer this as I offer all conspiracy theories: As amusement and mental stimulation. It is not meant to be taken with anything more than a grain of salt, at the risk of sending a certain few scurrying back into the cave of intellectual neglect. Sometimes things must be explained to some people in the way one might explain to a child that while the boogey man is a fun story, he is not (necessarily) under the bed. With that in mind, here is a sample rudimentary comedic portrait that Conspiracy Theory can paint:

Abe Vigoda is Jesus

Abe Vigoda played the character Fish on “Barney Miller”. Why name a character Fish and never explain how he got such a specific, unusual name?

Fish = Pisces, the Age of Christ, symbolized by the Christian “fish” icon, pictured here in case you haven’t seen any car bumpers in the Midwestern U.S. recently:

The common Jesusfish.
The common Jesusfish.

Preceding Pisces in the Zodiac is Aquarius, the Water Bearer. Can’t have a fish without water, after all. The Earth moves backwards along this astrological path, out of the Age of Pisces and into the Age of Aquarius, which some astrologers say we are now in, but there is no real consensus on this point, so forget it for now… unless somehow “Wojo” or “Wojciehowicz” means “Water bearer”.

Fish worked at the 12th Precinct. How many disciples did Jesus have? How many Zodiac signs are there? 12 is considered a “perfect number” and symbolizes God’s power and authority. There were 12 tribes of Israel, as Jacob had 12 sons (princes). The number 12 is one of those fun numbers that pops up a lot in the Bible, like 3 and 40.

Vigoda is a Jewish name. For some reason, whatever you can connect to groups such as Jews, Freemasons, or the Rotary Club of Boise is conspiracy gold! And Jesus was a Rotary Club member! I mean, he was a Jew!

When you do a search on the meaning of “Vigoda” you get nothing except ads for genealogy websites that claim to have detailed information, yet have not so much as a definition of the name. However, according to our old reliable fallback, Wikipedia, the name Vigoda means benefit/advantage/profit/gain in Russian. However, the meaning of Tessio, the character Vigoda played in The Godfather, is still shrouded in mystery. What benefit or advantage does the prophet hope to gain from this mystery? Either there is a HUGE cover-up here, or all of those genealogy websites are full of shit — and that would just be silly!

Let’s take a closer look at Tessio. What is his biggest line in The Godfather movies? “Tom, can you get me off the hook? For old time’s sake?” ‘Off the hook’ implies a fish on a hook, caught by a fisherman. Old times refers to the passing Age of Pisces. Tom (Hagen) replies, “Can’t do it, Sally.” In Hebrew, ‘Sally’ means ‘Princess’, but Tessio’s REAL name — Sal — means ‘Savior’! In that one short answer, Tom both feminizes and names Vigoda as the Savior! Doubting Thomas, refusing to accept that Tessio/Vigoda/Fish/Jesus can be redeemed — he has to die. This is the end of the age of Pisces (Fish), Jesus and his “Sally” feminine counterpart, Mary Magdalene. You might also notice in the clip below that once aware of his fate, Tessio is always in the center of five men: The center of a pentagram. However, Tom Hagen tells Tessio (Jesus) that he can’t go with them, so only four of the men follow Tessio. In Matthew 4:18-22, Jesus calls four fishermen to follow him: Simon, Peter, James and John. Who has hooked whom here, really?

Although the Russian meaning of ‘Vigoda’ is telling, let’s pick it apart by syllable. Let’s say it is Vi (life) God (YHWH) and A, in logic, is used to signify the universal affirmative. It is also, of course, the Alpha to the Omega, the Beginning to the End: The beginning of the end of Pisces. Hence, the A at the Omega (end) of ‘Vigoda’. And Tessio? Let’s just say it means “Herald of a New Age” because no one can disprove it. And this is sort of represented in the Godfather. When Tessio was killed, it really did herald in a New Age for the Corleone family (And, of course, the name ‘Corleone’ cannot be traced through those same well-researched genealogy sites! Coincidence?!) And if you’ll recall, the Godfather films introduced the expression “sleeps with the fishes” to mean someone has been killed. “Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes”, sent as a Sicilian message. Sicilian Mafia = conspiracy. In the clip below, you will notice 3 things: 1) Luca Brasi is killed, gasping for air like a fish out of water. 2) There is a fish pattern on the window of the bar in which he is killed. And most telling of all: 3) It is Tessio that delivers the fish to the Corleone family!

Obviously, Vigoda is heralding in a new age — the end of the Age of Pisces and the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius. Is it still another coincidence that we keep fish in an aquarium? All of this might sound fishy to you — but think about it. Someone, somewhere, is counting the days until Abraham “Fish” Vigoda dies (see: www.abevigoda.com ). Although Vigoda’s real name was Charles, let’s look at the meaning of the name “Abraham”: Connected to all 3 major religions, it means “Father of Many” in Hebrew. GOD-Father. Fitting, right?

So why did a guy whose birth name was Charles get stuck with the name Abe? Think about THAT! And now, think about THIS: The etymology of the name “Charles” — Vigoda’s given name:

The name’s etymology is a Common Germanic noun *karlaz meaning “free man”, which survives in English as churl (< Old English ċeorl),[1] which developed its deprecating sense in the Middle English period.

In the form Charles, the initial spelling ch- corresponds to the palatalization of the Latin group ca- to [tʃa] in Central Old French (Francien) and the final -s to the former subjective case (cas sujet) of masculine words in Old French (< Latin -us, see Spanish Carlos).

According to Julius Pokorny, the historical linguist and Indo-Europeanist, the root meaning of Karl is “old man”, from Indo-European *ĝer-, where the ĝ is a palatal consonant, meaning “to rub; to be old; grain.” An old man has been worn away and is now grey with age. (Source: Wikipedia)

If that ain’t Vigoda, I don’t know what is!


In conclusion: Vigoda is Pisces/Jesus. He is old and dying, heralding in the Age of Aquarius. The question is — WHO is the Water Bearer? Can you figure it out before Abe dies? (again: www.abevigoda.com) Wouldn’t you shit a brick if Abe Vigoda died in the days after I posted this?

Confusing, but the research is all basically corroborated, and I did it all in less than 20 minutes. Hence, my love for Conspiracy Theory. It is relaxing, enjoyable, educational, and in many cases, downright freaky. I love all of it. If you look at a lot of the best conspiracy theory websites, they look a lot like this example. The best ones are informative (they do their research), funny (they must be!), and — above all — make you question reality. Ultimately, they all leave a lot of unfilled blanks, but if they can get you to overlook those — or better yet, explain them away with a general theory of your own — then they have played the game well.

I am sorry if you are one of the few whom my comments have pissed off in the past. My advice is this: Get a brain and arm it with a sense of humor, or “defriend” me. I am happy either way. I enjoy playing Devil’s Advocate. And yes, there are some conspiracy theories that merit more than just an entertained glance. Honestly, if you take the time to look at the details, in some cases there is enough reasonable evidence to justify a trial. Either way, don’t just ignore them or disregard them because the TV told you “conspiracy” is synonymous with “bullshit.” If you honestly think that the TV news will tell you if something is true or not, I live in fear of you and your ilk. Do some research. You might actually learn something — even if the theory itself isn’t true or makes you uncomfortable. Look at the crap example above. I barely scratched the surface, and you can probably make some connections of your own based solely on what it touches upon. Even if it is senseless, you did learn a few things. Now you know why Michael Corleone had to have Tessio whacked.

Published by pookabazooka

I am an ape living abroad, writing to stay focused and to remember the things I think about. I post them here in case you'd like to spend a bit of time thinking about them, too.

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