This is a series designed to help you embrace the apocalypse that our modern media has encouraged us to not only accept, but to embrace. It is broken up into 9 topics of general advice on how to get the most out of your own personal apocalypse, whatever it may be.
Saying goodbye is never easy, so you want to get it over with as quickly as possible. I recommend something like this:
Does the title of this section befuddle you? “Hey, you just told me to burn all my crap! Now you tell me I may have needed some of that shit?” No, silly! All you will need is certain human characteristics – the shit in your head. The shit you can’t burn. Haven’t we all tried? Did it work? No. We’re still fundamentally assholes, right?
Look around you right now. What do you see? Take a quick mental inventory. Now close your eyes, count to ten and answer this question: How many flowers, pictured or real, are in your current environment?
Is that too crude? Do you prefer a more poetic turn of phrase, like “shuffling off this mortal coil”? Well, tough. It’s the apocalypse, and time is too short for poetry.
I mentioned earlier that during the apocalypse, other dimensions might shift into ours. Perhaps that deserves more than a passing comment. You see, our universe is just one of many, all adhering to different physical laws and vibrational frequencies.
Holy shit. You’re just asking this question now? I hope you haven’t been following this book in a literal sequence, or you just might be in a world of shit right now.
Hahahahahaha! …ahhh… man, I needed that. Oh wait, you were serious? No. No, of course the government will not help you! They will be too busy helping themselves.
Finally, a sensible question. You want your money back? Write me a letter, in care of this publisher, expressing your heartfelt dissatisfaction. If I am still alive, and I am really, truly touched, moved, amused or impressed with your reasoning for why you feel you should get your money back, I will send you your $2.95 or whatever it was you paid.
Keep in mind I will have your address, and I might also mail my corpse to you when I die.