“Send Someone to Get Me.”

Just on the off chance that there is SOME intelligent life “out there” — either extraterrestrial or ultraterrestrial (meaning entities from other dimensions, for those unschooled in the weirdness of the world) — I would like to broadcast this message on all frequencies: SEND SOMEONE TO GET ME.

That is all.

I realize the message, although charmingly simple, is also a bit ambiguous in the modern English vernacular. It could mean the equivalent of ‘send someone to retrieve me and take me elsewhere’ or it could mean ‘send someone to kill me.’ To be quite honest, at this point, either one would be fine with me.

Eighteen letters. Five words. Perfect. Especially considering that some dolt somewhere has predicted the “end of the world” to fall on this April 18th (2018). It apparently has something to do with a “mysterious” (read: bogus) voicemail message posted to a Twitter account with a mysterious message in the “NATO alphabet” (you know, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot and the like), that says “SOS” and something about evacuation being dire as “they are not human.” And, for some reason, it was connected to the disappearance of Malaysian flight MH370 back in 2014. Whatever. Researched, debunked, forgotten. And yet the theories persist that SOMEthing will happen next week (April 18th, 2018). Maybe my requested deliverance will arrive on that date? I can only hope.

No. Not this guy.

But getting back to my message. I do not mind if the receiving entities interpret this as meaning the more self-destructive “send someone to kill me.” Odds are against this interpretation as most sentient beings understand that it is counter-productive to the requester’s own state of being, and therefore most would assume its meaning to be the more productive “Provide me with escape.” Any species interpreting it to mean the same as the suicidal interpretation would either have to be a very dark and depressed species, or just generally spiteful assholes. either way, it supports my reasons for being OK with being killed.

Maybe these guys… as long as they don’t get all preachy.

I don’t care how they carry out my request because I am disenfranchised with my own species at this moment. I currently feel that the existence of this species is pointless, as all we really do is consume, pollute, poison, and destroy. Oh, sure, every once in a while a fluke benefit appears — someone cures polio and provides the vaccine to the world for free; Someone writes a really good book or paints a really good portrait. But by and large, our destructive deeds seem to far outweigh these flukes of altruism (suck it, Ayn Rand. You and your ilk should be sucking sulfur in Hell).

“I earned this stupid, ugly-ass hat! Go get your own!”

Myself, personally… I just suck. I make my living as a teacher. But the world is choked with teachers, all of whom are underpaid and cannot afford to be a boon to the world, as much as they would like to be. Teaching is an altruistic profession, yet  attempts at altruism are often financially overshadowed by the altruistic being more of a burden than a benefit in this world. Take me, for example. While I am conducting that “living” as a teacher, I am consuming and producing waste. I just noticed today, while fixing a simple lunch for myself, how much plastic I toss out into the world. I mean, I do put it all in recycling bins, but come on… how much of that shit actually gets to a recycling center, its carbon footprint on this planet nullified completely? I dare say a very insignificant amount. Plastic bags containing produce, little plastic tags to hold a plastic bread bag closed, plastic safety seals on bottles of condiments, plastic bottles of water because we have rendered the stuff from the taps undrinkable, plastic dishes covered in plastic wrap containing more produce? And how much of that produce, bought in bulk as everything seems to be nowadays, will I actually eat? And that’s just me!

That’s probably all mine, just from last weekend.

The people in charge of all of this are far worse: the corporations making the petroleum-based plastics when biodegradable hemp-based plastics have been a viable option from day ONE, and that’s just the tip of the ice berg. These assholes have also taken control of the global media — the one great technological innovation of the past century — and they use it to spread lies that enable them to launch endless wars against everything. It has gotten to the point where the thinking brain just assumes they are trying to kill everything: You, me, the animals, the plants,the oceans… EVERYthing.

Why Burger King? Just F?$&^N& because! I love the Whopper. I truly do. But you KNOW they’re in on it SOMEhow. And that’s another thing. I love animals. I should be Vegan anyway.

I could go on, but I am certain I do not need to. You get the idea (if you are even bothering to read this at all). Therefore, you can understand why I am OK with some alien entity squishing me out of existence. I am but a useless skin tag on the face of a once-beautiful planet, full of youth and promise, brought down with the cancer of my own species. I dare say the whole of existence would be far better off if my entire species was wiped out. As I cannot speak for the whole species, however, I can only agree that removing myself would probably be a step in the right direction, a mere drop in the bucket though it would be.

So yes, SEND SOMEONE TO GET ME in every sense of the words. Either way, it will be a good thing. Either I get to meet another, higher intelligence and be taken to see things very few, if any, humans have ever seen before, to stop being part of a terrible problem and to learn more about the multiverse than I ever could have imagined… or I at least get to stop the daily grind and die with one of the great questions of the universe answered: “Are we alone?” No. That other thing came and killed me. Mystery solved!

Ford or the Vogons. Either one, thanks. Just no Vogon poetry.

I used to have a dilemma: I love the Star Wars universe, and I love Douglas Adams’s Hitchhiker’s Guide universe. There was a conflict, however. The wisest of the wise Jedi in the Star Wars universe once said, “Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things!” Yet the characters in Adams’s books were always touting the thrill of “Excitement, adventure and really wild things”. To which star did I hitch my wagon? I leaned more toward Adams’s ideology. And damn good thing, too, as the Star Wars universe has gone to shit.

“Great Sith Jar-Jar was meant to be! Great twist it was! Caved Lucas did!”

I forgot what I was talking about. Either way, SEND SOMEONE TO GET ME. I hope some higher intelligence somewhere is monitoring our WiFi signals and hits on some key words and finds this lost post tucked away in the farthest corner of the darkest cavern of the loneliest speck of data adrift in the cosmos of the deepest abyss of ignored cyberspace and sees my signal… and responds however they see fit. They can even make a game of it and hunt me for sport like Predator. If you want to make it challenging, give me some warning first. I’m certain I could give you a run for your money for 10, 20 minutes. Either way, I will go out like very few, if any, ever have. Fuck a heart attack. Boring. I wanna be stalked, murdered, and mounted as a trophy by a bounty hunter from Zeta Reticuli. Or better yet, just take me someplace new, fresh, and fun.

The late, great Stephen Hawking (among others) once warned against ever contacting an alien species because they might just wipe out our species. If this message does bring about that catastrophic result… I don’t care. Look, collective humanity, we had 100,000+ years to get it right, and we’re still doing this idiotic shit? I don’t care if I DO take you all down with me.

Just END this already.

…  .  -.  -..      …  —  —  .  —  -. .    – —    –.  .  –     —  .


Published by pookabazooka

I am an ape living abroad, writing to stay focused and to remember the things I think about. I post them here in case you'd like to spend a bit of time thinking about them, too.

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