No matter what political stripes you wear, I think we can all agree that the once-great United States is swirling the drain. So read on to learn about my plan to save America. That’s right – me. The guy who rambles on about ultraterrestrial entities and UAPs. Why not? Can’t be any worse than the plans the dolts in charge have for you.
Yes, the Voting Rights Act is about to be handily defeated by the U.S. Senate yet again, and yet again it is due to petty partisanship and special interests (I’m lookin’ at YOU, “Senators” Manchin and Sinema). So, what can we do to stop this obviously intentional curse of incompetence within our federal government? How do we keep the greed and corruption of our so-called “leaders” from tearing apart our once-mighty Republic and selling it piecemeal to the highest foreign bidders? Well, as you might imagine, I have a few thoughts on this.
Here is my five-point plan to save America:
- REINSTATE THE FAIRNESS DOCTRINE. The fairness doctrine, as it was called, once maintained a standard that forbade broadcast news from presenting opinions as facts. They were required by law to actually be fair and balanced. This brilliant doctrine was dismantled and trashed by the GOP (surprise!) under the tyrannical Reagan administration. If you are still functioning under the illusion that Reagan was a good president, then you should be required to take a civics course. Not only did they destroy the fairness doctrine, opening the door for all of the bullshit people are soaking up from their various screens today, but they also gutted the American educational system, removing critical thinking skills from the population. This is why we are now a nation of misguided, misinformed dunderheads. Networks like Fox News and OANN should be shut down immediately and the likes of Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and “Judge” Jeanine Pirro should be incarcerated as they await trial on charges of treasonous slander or dissemination of false and harmful information, whatever we can get them with. And Pirro should be required to undergo rehab for alcoholism. All other news outlets should have their sources and tactics reviewed, and any other bias should be dealt with harshly.
- REBUILD THE AMERICAN EDUCATION SYSTEM (INFRASTRUCTURE). Yes, since the Reaganites destroyed our schools, we have some serious rebuilding to do in that arena as well as in many others, so let’s just refer to this point as “infrastructure.” Our schools are falling apart, literally and figuratively. As are our roads, bridges, railways, water systems, hell, you name it, it’s broken. And let’s toss health care into this mix. We need to take care of our people first! And if you think this smacks of the dangerous “America First!” rhetoric we’ve been hearing so much of lately, then yeah, you’re damn right. But when I say “America,” I don’t mean white people. I mean everybody. Even immigrants. How does that grab you? We need to fill our schools with functioning equipment and competent, well-educated, well-paid teachers. We need a free and accessible higher education system that produces the best doctors to take up our failing health care system, and we need to provide FREE health care to all of our people, not just the elitist crooks in Congress. We need to educate top-level engineers and put people to work repairing our roads, bridges, railways, tunnels, subways — all of it. And we need them to fix our water systems so that everyone has access to clean drinking water without having to pay the greedy pigs at Nestlé. And we need to take climate change seriously, cut out subsidies for the fossil fuel industry and put people to work cleaning up our environment. “But how will we pay for this functioning utopia?” I hear the conservatives ask. Well, on to Point 3 —
- SLASH MILITARY SPENDING. The United States of America spends more on its military than the top five leading militaries of the world combined. That’s more than overkill, it’s downright ridiculous. We cannot let our nation be ruled by the corrupt military-industrial complex any longer. They are bankrupting us, both financially and morally. What are they doing with all of that money? They can’t seem to win a goddamn war, so what’s the point? Afghanistan has been overrun by the Taliban and that nation now faces a humanitarian crisis the likes of which the USA will be facing if we don’t handle our shit. We’ve been fought to a draw or had our asses handed to us in every conflict we’ve been in since 1945. The Gulf Wars produced quagmires and unstable regimes that have cost thousands of American lives, not to mention the millions of civilian lives lost. For the obscene amount of money we’ve been throwing at military technology over the last sixty years, we should have an undefeatable, precision military strike force spanning the globe. And yet here we sit with our thumbs up our butts, hoping to God a little pimple on China’s ass doesn’t get uppity and embarrass us further on the world stage. Obviously, money isn’t solving our military problems, but point #2 will. Slash the military budget by a whopping 40%, put that money to work rebuilding America, and watch how resourceful a better-educated command becomes. The money that remains should include a pay raise for our men and women in uniform and their families — not only while they are in active service but to take care of their needs when they receive their honorable discharges. Free health care and education (again, point #2) will go a long way to achieving this goal. And as long as we are on the topic of military spending, the next part of point 3 will likely be very unpopular with both AIPAC and the evangelical idiots who think Israel is run by the same Jews in the Book of Genesis (spoiler: It’s not). But here it is: Cut Israel off. Not one more red American cent will be paid to enable their role as neighborhood bully. We’ve been sending Israel $10 million a day. That money is needed here at home and will be put to much better use in the programs needed in point #2. No hard feelings, Israel, but enough is enough. Be nicer to the Palestinians and maybe they won’t try to kill you so much. Adhere to the agreed-upon boundaries and stop bulldozing their homes. The phrase isn’t “The Lord helps those who help themselves to other people’s lands and freedoms.” You’re part of a global community. Act like it. Just doing this will eliminate many of the threats the U.S. faces. We will still have a strong military to secure our interests, it will just be far more efficient and well-managed.
- REINSTATE THE GLASS-STEAGALL ACT. I don’t know much about finance, but I know dispensing with this act was a huge mistake. For those who don’t know, The Glass-Steagall Act effectively separated commercial banking from investment banking and created the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, among other things. It prevented our money handlers from getting greedy and screwing up the entire economy, robbing the rest of us while making themselves so uber-wealthy that they have since been deemed “too big to fail.” So now when they screw up, tank the economy, and launch the world into a recession, we spend taxpayer money to bail their sorry asses out so they can find some other scheme to do it all again. No more.
- DISPENSE WITH CITIZENS UNITED AND ENFORCE TERM LIMITS FOR CONGRESS. These are actually an important part of a much larger point, the complete restructuring of our political system. No more gerrymandering, no more voter suppression, no more special interests buying our representatives and thereby our government. Citizens United has taken power away from the people and given it in entirety to the corporate monsters that are behind the military industrial complex. Eisenhower warned us about this, Kennedy tried to stop it, and… well, you know the rest. We’ve been a disastrously failed state ever since. We’ve just been keeping up the appearances of a functioning democracy when in fact we are a corporate oligarchy and that has to end. And if I may flex my iron-fisted will, all holders of public office that have been found to put their own interests over those of their constituents in the last, oh, let’s say five years will be stripped of titles and incarcerated to await trial for treason. If found guilty, the penalty for treason remains death. I honestly believe we should utilize guillotines for this to really get the point across with grisly visual effect, but I believe hanging is the standard, so we’ll allow the condemned to choose one or the other as long as we can still harvest their organs for people who need them. I am not without mercy. Every soul should be able to choose how they die. We should start with Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, Joe Manchin, Krysten Sinema, Rand Paul, Lindsay Graham… oh hell, as long as we’re at it, let’s just clean house and throw all the bums out. America needs a fresh start and everyone in Congress now is obviously tainted. Another part of this restructuring of our political system will be to end our so-called “two-party” system as it is obviously really just one party — the Corporate Party. We need to make our political field a fertile place to grow third, fourth, and even fifth viable parties. As it stands, the American people really have no choice in voting except to vote for more corporate elites. Be they blue or red, they are the same a$$holes. And now they are working to remove the vote entirely from our system, effectively ending democracy. We cannot allow this to happen, so yes — throw the bums out! And as for those that are found to be guilty of treason, the blade or the rope. We cannot afford to treat their actions lightly.
That’s it. That’s my Five Point Plan to Save America. You’re welcome. Will it create a joyous utopia of freedom and fair play? No, of course not. There will still be a lot of fine-tuning to be done. But it will provide a promising start on the path to a more perfect Union. I guarantee you, my fellow Americans, that if these 5 points are actually adopted, your quality of life will improve ten-fold within one year. Mark my words. Your other option is collapse and serfdom, a life of groveling to the uber-wealthy elite and begging for the scraps they deign to toss your way. I leave you with this quote from Roger Waters from his album, Radio KAOS:
Will you accept your second-class status?
A nation of waitresses and waiters
Will you mix their martinis?
Will you stand still for it?
Or will you take to the hills?