Well, it’s the Year of the Water Rabbit, so let’s get to talking about those aquabunnies and all that the new lunar year may hold in store.
Full disclosure, I really have nothing to write about here, I’m just bored and want to do something creative. So, hang tight as I fail spectacularly. Let’s talk about my New Year Predictions. First up:
1. Alien invasion!
They’re here. They’ve been here for a while. But are they about to step out from the shadows and make their presence known? According to many UFO theorists, yes. Yes, they are. According to a new report from our crafty pals at The Pentagon, UFO (UAP) sightings are up 500%! I’m not certain about that number. I am still confused as to how you can have anything over 100%, but then, as I frequently admit on this blog, I am bad at math. But there it is. And not only civilian sightings are on the rise, but US troop sightings are also up and have “skyrocketed to over 500.” Obviously, an invasion is imminent. Soon, we’ll be up to our little white eyeballs with little gray critters with big black eyeballs. Or are they Nordic? Reptilian? Bigfootish? Who the hell knows? But we’re about to find out.
2. Economic collapse!
Yes, we’ve been muddling our way into a recession for some time now, but with the GOP in charge of the House in the USA, you can bet your sweet bippies that the entire economic system is about to go belly-up. And I’m no fan of the Democrats, who, as I have stated many, many times on this very blog, are obviously in cahoots with the GOP. It’s their job to play the feckless Keystone Cops to the villainy of today’s Serve-Only-The-Uber-Wealthy Republicans when in fact, they’re just two puppets on the hands of the same party – The Corporate Party. America is a great place to live – if you’re on the top end of the wealth pyramid. If you make under $100,000 a year, life in the USA sucks. Trust me. Try living in another developed country and see how much better it is. We need to change this, and I have some thoughts on how to do it, but sadly, this change is not one of my predictions for the New Year. Things will have to get a lot worse before they get any better, because it will take nothing short of a complete economic collapse to shake the Americans out of their processed food-and-TV-induced trance. Sadly, the population has been successfully divided-and-conquered to the point of no return, and so collapse is inevitable. And so is this –
3. A Donny and Marie Reunion!
Just when you think my predictions couldn’t get bleaker (more bleak?). But why not? Seems like something some brainless network executives would be all over. This is the Age of Endless Reboots. And we’re gonna need something to keep all those aliens entertained. Will it suck? Yes. Yes, it will. Maybe not as bad as the new Night Court reboot, but without Paul Lynde it’s doomed to suck. Here are some of Mr. Lynde’s best bits from his days on Hollywood Squares to take your mind off the coming economic collapse and a painfully forced duet of “A Little Bit Country, a Little Bit Rock & Roll.”
4. Pandemic (Part VIII: The Pandemicking)!
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the lab. Or the wet market. Or anywhere, for that matter – BOOM! Another explosion of an even more contagiously deadly contaminant. I mean, did it ever really end? Each episode ends with a cliffhanger reveal indicating that there will, indeed, be a sequel even worse than the one we just went through. How many vaccinations do you need? I’m stopping at three. I’ve had three jabs of the Moderna version, and that’s enough for me. Some may choose to go for some sort of record, losing their eyebrows or growing a new set of testicles along the way, but they won’t get THAT version of the thing, that’s for sure! But there’s always another version just months away. Or a reboot. Or a spin-off. It never ends in this day of streaming entertainment and streaming viral mutations. Cheer up though – one of ’em is bound to kill us all sooner or later. And with all the money we’ve spent our time printing now being worthless, none of us will be able to afford the latest version of the vaccine. There will be no one to stop the alien invasion – unless Donny and Marie have something to say about it! (Cue “It Takes Two!” … it occurs to me now that I know far too many Donny and Marie songs – two. Two is far too many.)
5. World War III
Well, this one is a no-brainer. What usually follows a global economic collapse? I’m sure we all had this one on our list. Where will it start? Oh, my dear – it’s already started. It’s Russia, of course! And Petty Putin’s push to rebuild his beloved Soviet Empire. He’s failing miserably, and rumor has it he’s dying, so you can bet he’s not going to shy away from the nuclear option. And when he pops that first atomic firecracker, that’s gonna be China’s cue to finally swoop down on Taiwan – while the USA is distracted with the nuclear war in Europe. And as long as Putin is the one that opens that Pandora’s box, China won’t be shy about lobbing a few warheads at their enemies. And then, amid the global chaos, Paraguay will make its move. But no one will notice because the USA will be ripped apart by the sequel to its civil war, Civil War II: Redneck Revenge. This civil war will be short-lived, however, as the redneck GQP Trump-Evangelicals are proven to be severely mentally challenged. They will be soundly defeated over a weekend of binge drinking. The elitists will just use their idiotic attempt at yet another revolution to install their pseudo-theocratic corporate dictatorship that has been waiting so patiently to emerge. Then once the USA is firmly under the rule of this oligarchy of psychopaths, the rest of the world will follow.
And then everything will literally fall apart, bringing us to my final prediction:
5.1. Stone Age
This won’t happen this year, but 2023 will lock us onto the path toward a complete erasure of our current civilization. Our collective global history will be largely forgotten, and after a few eons of wandering in the wilderness, hiding in caves, and recovering from all of the deadly radiation, that history will become the stuff of legends. Lost to the mists of time, words like “America” and “Russia” will replace words like “Atlantis” and “Mu” and the whole program will start over again. The few thousand surviving humans will begin to reproduce, and a few of the more educated will greedily protect old familiar technologies like fire and medicine. They will become the magicians of a new age, and eventually form secret societies, guiding a new civilization from the shadows as our numbers slowly start to come back. Their descendants will become the protected bloodlines of a new global elite, and they will remember how well “Divide & Conquer” worked before to control the idiot masses. All of the same differences and petty political, racial, and religious disputes will re-emerge, and the universal consciousness will weep, for humanity will have once again failed to learn a damn thing.
And in 300,000 years, we’ll be right back here, blogging about bullshit while watching the crap on the screens as it makes us even dumber than we were the last time we went through this sh*t. Hopefully, at some point, the aliens will just put us all out of our misery and free us from this endless loop of failure.
Happy Year of the Water Rabbit!