Good lord, I haven’t seen so much doom-scrying since the 2012 Mayan Calendar scare, or even the Y2k terror. Why are people (and by “people” I am mainly referring to Americans) so fuckin’ stupid? Read on to explore the possibilities.
Yes, the moon is scheduled to slip between Old Mamma Earth and the sun that warms her on April 8th. It’s a solar eclipse – a natural celestial event that has been well-documented since the Enlightenment and subsequent scientific development. It’s a very simple phenomenon that has been occurring regularly since the moon was formed.
And yet there are people — MODERN-DAY PEOPLE — who are acting as though the sun is about to be swallowed up by an enormous space-goat and plunge them into eternal darkness. And you better believe that darkness is demon-infested. If it ain’t demon-infested, after all, it ain’t darkness.
All of educated humanity knows that this total solar eclipse will take place at the moon’s ascending node on Monday, April 8, 2024, and it will only be visible across North America – not “the entire world!” And how long will the yellow face be vanished-gone from the big sky? About four minutes and twenty-eight seconds – and that’s at the spot of its longest duration totality, near Torreón, Mexico. That’s not even in the United States! Most places along the centerline (path of totality) in the U.S. will see a totality duration of only between 3.5 and 4 minutes.
Yet despite its tiny blink-and-you-miss-it duration, it’s been dubbed the Great North American Eclipse by some in the U.S. media. This is because the U.S. media has one job these days – scare the shit out of the Dumbs and keep ’em scared.
Americans are approaching this brief lunar intrusion in the usual manner in which they deal with most everything that happens these days — by completely overreacting and going into full panic mode. Some legitimate news sources are advising people to stock up on food, water, toilet paper, and other essential supplies (surprise – this alert was issued in Texas, a state that is admittedly behind most of the developed world in its energy grid design as well as education).
And in neighboring Oklahoma (another developmentally-challenged state), the legitimate media reports that the National Guard will be deployed to assist with the surge of expected tourists hoping to catch a glimpse of the fleeting Shadow Times. Many schools in all thirteen of the “affected” states are scheduled to close, ignoring the fact that this eclipse could provide a fascinating and invaluable once-in-a-lifetime teaching moment in any grade school science classroom. But who needs science when you’ve got sun-devouring demonic space-goats, right? Never mind the fact that science has given us electricity – which will still work during the Dark Time, so there will still be light – much to the chagrin of all the not-so-legitimate news sites screaming about power-grid failures, food shortages, earthquakes, and, yes, the End of Days.
I understand there may be some need for minor alerts given for basic safety, like “Don’t stare directly at the eclipse” and “remember to turn on your headlights if you’re driving,” but closing schools and calling out the National Guard? These overdrawn measures only fuel the idiot speculations of everything from a Chinese invasion or emergent New World Order to The Second Coming of who the Hell knows – Jesus? The Antichrist? Cthulhu? Elvis? Take your pick. Social media is full of the usual doom-scryers touting Biblical apocalypses of all manner and measure. Suddenly, four minutes of shadow become “three days of complete and total darkness.” Or it’s the End of Days and we’re all about to be sucked into another dimension.
No. The moon is passing between us and the sun. That’s all. It won’t be total darkness, and it won’t last for more than a few minutes. Life as we know it will go on pretty much as it always has, and there is no need for any interruptions whatsoever. We’ve all been through this sort of thing before in other parts of the world. So relax, America – are you still capable of relaxing? It makes no difference whatsoever if the path of totality happens to be passing over some towns with Biblical names. You’re America – everyfuckingthing has a Biblical name. Christ a-mighty, America, sit your dumb asses down and have a cookie. You’re going to be fine. Try not to shoot anything when it gets a touch on the dark side for a few minutes on April 8th. Just do what you normally do around sunset on any other given day – sniff glue, smoke meth, drink moonshine, and yeah, go ahead and read your Bible if it helps. Just no shootin’ irons. Keep ’em locked up, OK? That is the only real danger you’ll be facing – yourselves.
I promise, if the Boogeyman gets you and drags you to Hell, I’ll post a very sincere apology and admit that you paranoid religious nutters were right all along. For the first time ever.
Happy Solar Eclipse 2024! (Don’t shoot or stare at it!)
thecontemplativeape 